photo credit: Leah Bryant
I'm so glad February is over. I had about 15 blog posts that I wrote but never published. When I read them over it sounded like I was extremely depressed. I'm not, but I have been under an intense amount of pressure to complete several projects. I have many "irons in the fire" and February brought on plenty of heat.
I am now seeing progress. Forward movement is always welcome and I tend to get frustrated when things feel constricted, heavy and non-moving. I've done my planning for this month and I'm happy that I will be traveling/adventuring. It truly feeds my soul. I know that there are times that I need to stay put, concentrate on my children, home and obligations but I most LOVE to be on the GO!
I haven't yet launched my spring detox/clearing. This month is dedicated to movement, which I am craving! April will be my full on release mode.... I may have to rent or borrow a larger vehicle to re-home my former possessions. Up for gras are kayaks, bikes, a load of decorations, clothes, caps, kitchen items, bags, shoes and anything else that no longer fits. I have again amassed a large amount of items (and this is just from walk-through's). If I've seen or thought about something that I know I won't use or doesn't match my style, it goes in a pile. I now have to walk around said pile to get to the dryer. I haven't taken the time to haul it out, but that is coming and I'm ready to let it all go, let it go, let it go. The items are all in excellent shape, they just aren't a fit for who I am and where I am headed next.
I can't always tell that I've changed, I mean I'm pretty close to ME so change/transition is harder to notice. Lately though, I can feel change happening within my very cells. While I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs and at times, I have felt like I am moving sideways, but hey sideways FORWARD still counts! Thanks to all the patient people in my life, that have/are supporting me during times that I have been a tearful, blubbering mess.... not a pretty sight to see, but a necessary part of growth and letting go of the old.
I started the year with several BIG projects on my plate. Some of them I could only work on a little bit here and there. That's frustrating for me because I like to knock things out right away and get things done. I don't like the "in between" phases of started but not finished or progressing but not complete. Arrrrrrg. And that friends, is e x a c t l y where my life has been for the past several months. I've made commitments, I've started, I've gone too far to stop but there hasn't been enough forward momentum to help me see tangible results. Saying my patience has been tested would be a vast understatement.
Things have shifted in the past few weeks through! Two BIG things I've been working on have been submitted and so my part with those projects are done. I have one more project to roll through and that will be completed by the end of April. There are more FUN and EXCITING projects in the works, but for now, the deadlines and requirements aren't as constricted, which helps me feel like I have more room to breathe.
The recent experience has helped look more deeply into how I approach challenges and what I require to get through them. I have realized that I enjoy being productive, but not busy. I am learning to listen more intently, graciously and lovingly to my mind, body and spirit. Traditionally I tend to listen to my mind, power through whatever obstacles are sitting in my way and I don't quit until the job is done. While this has helped me accomplish some major feats (paying for, taking and finishing graduate classes for example).... it has, at times, left me strung out, empty, exhausted, frustrated and depleted. That is not the way I want to show up.
I tend to have a hard time relaxing until everything is done/completed/finished, but we all know that only happens when one leaves this life. I'm not ready to do that. Instead I am learning to find pockets of rest here and there, being more discerning about what I take on and more aware of how much energy I spend getting things done. Time is a precious commodity. I am learning to identify my personal rhythms, not push past my reserves and to respect my own boundaries. It's a beautiful experience and it is allowing me to see the grander view of my life and what I am creating.
There are some exciting ventures in the works during the months ahead (a new website/blog/offerings) and a lot of traveling. I won't be home much this summer and I couldn't be more excited. I have places to go, people to laugh with and things to see! My dream is to live a mobile life, learn, write, share, and inspire. I have no idea when that will come through so in the meantime, I'll continue to grow, expand, experience and LIVE!
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
~C. JoyBell C.