Choices

It's been one year and a day since a huge chunk was ripped from my heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss Carl. I spent all of 2017 trying to pick up the pieces and navigate through a destroyed heart. I never asked why. I feel that trying to find reasons is just pointless. Sometimes we get the "why" and sometimes we never do.

When Pake was diagnosed with NFP2, I didn't ask why. Again, doing so tends to lead one down a rabbit hole. He was born with the disease. We had a choice of how we would navigate those challenges. We also had a choice in the viewpoints we would take. I am wired to look for the lessons, the awareness and what is here now. That's all we really ever have. What's here? What's the next step? We keep moving forward.

There have been some really challenging lows this year. The only way up and out....was to go through whatever was thrown in my path. At times I thought I knew the direction I was going,  I was usually wrong. That is the beauty of life though. At any point, we can make different choices. We are not victims of circumstances. We are not victims of anything. Choice is where it's at. Choice is our ticket to change.

I chose to say goodbye to the love of my life last summer. With distance, kids' schedule and other issues, I completely dismissed possibilities of how we would work out. I thought I needed answers and I thought I needed everything just "so." What I found was that my heart knew differently.... you see the heart does not lie, but we can certainly bypass it's whisperings. That only works for awhile though. At some point, when we are lost and miserable and we've had enough pain, we get to a place to ask, "What is here now? What needs to change? What am I not aware of that if I was aware of it, would create a different reality?" I asked a lot of questions! I didn't form conclusions. I swiped that away and just kept asking.

What showed up was far different than I expected. I have found that we cannot operate with  fixed viewpoints, if we do, we miss HUGE opportunities. We also can't afford to entertain, guilt, blame, fear and doubt, in any forms. That, like asking "why" are significant distractions from our truth. Truth is very simple. It's REAL and it cannot be argued with. When you know, you KNOW and everything else falls into place.

It's been a rough year, but it ended well and in a way that was far beyond my expectations. I am reunited with my love and that is what matters to me.

Thank you, Joe, for all the lessons, for your patience and strength when I had none, for your contributions, when you didn't need to give me anything. Thank you for being my rock, for keeping me safe, for knowing what I need sometimes before I even know when and what to ask for. Thank you for loving me without stipulations and conditions, without drama and excessive BS. Thank you for seeing me, as I am, flaws and all, and still choosing to hang around me. Thank you for recognizing my gifts, talents and abilities, especially the ones that don't make sense to most people. Most of all, thank you for being REAL, for being truth and for being YOU. I am excited to see what we will create together!