What a week.... and it's far from over. I'm popping this post up, because sometimes timing is more important than correct words and perfect punctuation. I have a sense that there are a few others that are feeling some intensity right now.
I tend to want to fast forward through those times and "get to the good stuff" but really I wouldn't be doing myself a favor; lessons are abundant when you barely have time to
Something that I've become aware of this week is that what I've always thought was a fault is actually a HUGE gift. There's a concept in Access Consciousness that asks, "What if the wrongness of you is really the rightness of you." For years, I've been told all kinds of things about myself, some really positive and some really cruel. I used to take everything to heart and feel really bad about what people would say or what I heard was being said about me. I knew the truth, but I felt the need for other people to know it as well. This is a complete fallacy, an impossible feat. We all have our points of view and some of these are set in stone. Like the boulders above..... they just don't seem to move. It take a lot of effort to try to convince someone of something they want to believe, even if it isn't true. I'm shocked at the amount of time I've spent trying to turn the train around, let alone change the tracks. I've come to the awareness that it's simply time to just jump off the old train.
The new train (of thought) I've adopted is far more sleek and nimble than the old one. Though the words, situations and descriptions still ring in my mind, they don't seem to have the staying power, there's nothing to make them "stick". I've gotten used to hearing how stubborn I am and for the longest time, I believed that it was a BAD thing. I tried to change it, to go with the flow, to relax, to bend, flex, mold and morph into something/someone "softer, kinder, more gentle". It just didn't work.
This week things have been more constricted than what I've experienced. I have had a lot of realizations come to the surface and the demands of my daily life have intensified, I feel like my life is happening at the speed of "light". I had a moment today where I realized that it's a damn GOOD thing that I am as stubborn as I am. Without this trait, I'm quite sure I would have perished a long time ago and this week would have melted me for sure. I'm tired and I'm less "patient" than I normally am (oh hell, who I am kidding I'm as impatient as they come), but I am here and I am not imploding or buckling with the amount of projects that I have on my plate. I'm not buckling and I'm not bitching either. I'm here, living my life, minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. You can bet your sweet smile that I am packing as much as possible into my days and I do look forward to flopping into my awesomely comfortable bed, but I am not bemoaning the fact that I am in this life/position/location. I've asked for it. I've chosen it and I am taking responsibility for it. I am also claiming all the gifts of myself and I'm putting them to good use! Yes, I am stubborn and that has given me the drive, determination and focus to pull off some tasks this week that would have made me crawl into a hole and bawl on the "old train".
I had a little pattern of caving into overwhelm, wanting someone to rescue me, cry my eyes out, get pissed off, pick myself up, finish the damn project and then look back and wonder what all the fuss was about....... yeah, I used to not be all that fun to live with. I also never claimed my true power before. Even I was afraid of how potent I could be. I suspect that many of us haven't yet tapped into some of these "wrongnesses" that are really "rightnesses".
I'm quite sure that being "as stubborn as a mule" could be seen as less than wonderful. I'm now seeing that being stubborn can make me "steady as a rock" when I need to be, when I choose to be. Most of the time, I prefer to keep it light, keep it fluid, but sometimes that's not what the environment, project, situation or relationship calls for. There are times when my inner muscle, brain power, will power, determination, focus and drive is needed. The conflict came when I denied and/or forgot that I had any of those. Flexibilty + adaptability + awareness are the tracks of this new train and they seem to be making for a much smoother ride.
Just for fun, think of a trait that someone has criticized you about, made you feel less than, guilty, ashamed....wrong. Ask yourself, what if this your gift? What could change in your life if you were able to jump on to a different train where this was an AMAZING trait, one that brought value, contribution and power to your life? You don't have to have an answer, in fact, do not even try to come up with one. Just ask the questions and then see what happens. It's taken me several months to abandon the old tracks and to fully adapt to the ones. Times like today, I can tell I'm on the right train and it's full steam ahead!