Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A Blank Page

It's crazy to ponder how my life has changed recently. I've fought long and hard to "become," to create a life that I wanted to fully participate in. When I sat down in January and penned my intentions for the year, I had no idea how things would shift and change. I had long-held dreams, desires, and hopes pulsating in my heart. I held on tight. Too tightly. I knew if I let go, things wouldn't be the same. 

I've learned you can't hold on to situations and people. I've known this but I had to re-learn it. We all have a choice of how we want to spend our days, how we want to live and be and what we want to experience and who we want to experience life with. We can put fourth a lot of effort, hoping things will go how we want, we can offer invitations and encouragement, but when it comes right down to it..... if we have to force something or someone to be in our lives, it's probably not meant to be, or at least not in the way we thought it was going to be. I've beat my head into an invisible wall until it was bloody. I've cried rivers, and none of those tears produced my desires. So I stopped. I stopped forcing, I stopped hoping, I stopped trying to make things happen. I let go. My stubbornness is an attribute that has kept me going, it's part of why I am where I am today. While it's admirable to work hard for something that I want, it's equally exhausting to keep working on on a project or person that doesn't isn't willing to put match that devotion, time or focus. There's heartbreak in letting go but there's also relief. 

I'm sitting here on my porch, looking at a blank page. I have no idea what words and experiences will fill this page. I only know where I've been and how I'm approaching life now. It's uncertain and I'm good with that. I'm waiting on a call that will determine the path for the rest of my summer. Pake has a small tumor on his right auditory nerve, this is his "good" ear. We have a couple of treatment options, both equally risky. This is beyond our control. The option that looks the best requires a relocation to Omaha for six weeks and daily radiation treatment. While we are blessed to have my best friend living in Omaha, this is not a vacation. While I love to travel, explore and experience, I am also mindful of the need to have a home, routine and some predictability for my children. This move will shake things up. The overall goal is to preserve Pake's hearing and so we will do whatever we have to do to ensure that he can hear, for as long as possible. 

We've made an unspoken agreement that our outlook is positive, we purposely find the good, the blessings and the benefits within this situation. It is all "unknown" yet we know how we look at this situation, how we act, react and deal with the challenges that arise are ultimately going to determine our attitude. This is not ideal, but few things in life are. We have Soul Family and friends that support us. 

We've come a LONG way since his diagnoses and now, five surgeries later we are grateful that we can walk in and out of the UNMC, and not have to spend the night. It's summer time and he's not missing school. I have a vehicle that runs down the interstate so we can have Parker and Pryce with us every other week. We WILL make the most of this situation, discomfort aside. 

I have some plans and ideas for what I want to create now that I've completed my Master's program. I still have BIG dreams and desires for what I want to experience, where I want to travel and how I want to offer my gifts, talents and insights to others. I'll continue to flow with these, tuning into the timing and working with what arises. 

In the meantime, Pake could certainly use some prayers and positive, healing intentions. He's 17 and this is scary. He's strong and positive. He knows who he is and what he's about. He's aware of the cards he's been dealt and he's determined to make the most of the life he's been given. As his Mama, my job is to embody the full power of love, support, guidance, humor {and healthy sarcasm} that I can provide. I'm still a Mama though and my heart is bit heavy because of the sacrifices that have to be made. We are not victims. We are human with all the worries and fears. I've never been one to sugar coat anything, so I'll simply say that heading into this with some apprehension. I trust that everything will be fine. I trust that I have people to lean on when things get rough but most of all I trust that we are right where we need to be. 

I wanted to start a separate page for Pake, but he said, "No." He would like me to continue to integrate updates here on my Facebook page and here. He doesn't want sympathy in any way. I want him to know that he's got tons of support, more support than what he can possibly imagine. He's one of my hearts and to know that he has to go through this hurts. 

This is our life. We will continue to live it, be grateful for the many blessings, the twists and turns, the beautiful surprises and the memories we are making. It is our hope that we can somehow be a reminder of how precious life is and perhaps be a positive example to those who are dealing with challenges, in whatever forms they are showing up as. 

Today, we are grateful for medicine, for technology and for the love and support of the wonderful people in our lives. 

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