Choices

It's been one year and a day since a huge chunk was ripped from my heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss Carl. I spent all of 2017 trying to pick up the pieces and navigate through a destroyed heart. I never asked why. I feel that trying to find reasons is just pointless. Sometimes we get the "why" and sometimes we never do.

When Pake was diagnosed with NFP2, I didn't ask why. Again, doing so tends to lead one down a rabbit hole. He was born with the disease. We had a choice of how we would navigate those challenges. We also had a choice in the viewpoints we would take. I am wired to look for the lessons, the awareness and what is here now. That's all we really ever have. What's here? What's the next step? We keep moving forward.

There have been some really challenging lows this year. The only way up and out....was to go through whatever was thrown in my path. At times I thought I knew the direction I was going,  I was usually wrong. That is the beauty of life though. At any point, we can make different choices. We are not victims of circumstances. We are not victims of anything. Choice is where it's at. Choice is our ticket to change.

I chose to say goodbye to the love of my life last summer. With distance, kids' schedule and other issues, I completely dismissed possibilities of how we would work out. I thought I needed answers and I thought I needed everything just "so." What I found was that my heart knew differently.... you see the heart does not lie, but we can certainly bypass it's whisperings. That only works for awhile though. At some point, when we are lost and miserable and we've had enough pain, we get to a place to ask, "What is here now? What needs to change? What am I not aware of that if I was aware of it, would create a different reality?" I asked a lot of questions! I didn't form conclusions. I swiped that away and just kept asking.

What showed up was far different than I expected. I have found that we cannot operate with  fixed viewpoints, if we do, we miss HUGE opportunities. We also can't afford to entertain, guilt, blame, fear and doubt, in any forms. That, like asking "why" are significant distractions from our truth. Truth is very simple. It's REAL and it cannot be argued with. When you know, you KNOW and everything else falls into place.

It's been a rough year, but it ended well and in a way that was far beyond my expectations. I am reunited with my love and that is what matters to me.

Thank you, Joe, for all the lessons, for your patience and strength when I had none, for your contributions, when you didn't need to give me anything. Thank you for being my rock, for keeping me safe, for knowing what I need sometimes before I even know when and what to ask for. Thank you for loving me without stipulations and conditions, without drama and excessive BS. Thank you for seeing me, as I am, flaws and all, and still choosing to hang around me. Thank you for recognizing my gifts, talents and abilities, especially the ones that don't make sense to most people. Most of all, thank you for being REAL, for being truth and for being YOU. I am excited to see what we will create together!

Get the Funk Out

Post holiday vibes are rolling in. I find it’s always a bit hard to fit back into the crevices of daily life. Holidays are delicious in that they offer a change of pace from our normal, every day routines; rising early to get the kids up, fed and off to school. Running through the list of crazy to-do’s that seem to pile up and really, never end. Anytime there is a break in the action, I can expand and go BIGGER because the normal demands aren’t as strong.

Expansion happens instantaneously, effortlessly. It’s our minds that funks us up! And while we have the ability to endure anything, we also have at our disposal the ability to rise above whatever is showing up. Yes, we may still carry the demands of a busy life, children, parents, family, friends, work/career, paying bills, and the onslaught of many other responsibilities AND we have a choice of where we want to place our focus. When we streamline our target for the present moment, the next hour and even the day ahead of us, we have the choice of what we will make significant. It doesn’t mean the crap will go away, it does mean that we are choosing to take our focus back and place our awareness what we want we really want to experience. That’s true power. That is life mastery.

Dark times, glitches in relationships, finances, health, children and other challenges are bound to greet us on a continual basis. Light times, breath throughs, accomplishments, laughter, joy, and beauty are part of the journey too. Again, our true power derives from how we experiences and react to any of these. Likes waves rolling to the shore, experiences of our lives can be power and gentle, and notice, they continue to roll in. That’s life.

The great news is that we don’t have to remain in the funk. That is a choice. At any moment we can make the decision to “get the funk out.” How is this accomplished? Make it a declaration. While I am not asking anyone to go pollyanna, I am asking that you take conscious control of your mind, body and being. Ask to see what’s really here? Poke around a bit, tussle up old thoughts beliefs, points of view? What is this situation is exactly what you’ve been asking for to reconnect to your personal power source? Could this be showing you places that your energies have leaked out? Might this be an opportunity to speak and stand in your truth? If things aren’t to your liking, what would it take for things to line out? Start making conscious actions plans of what you CAN do, in this moment? You don’t have to handle it all at once, either. What are some small steps and choices that can be made, right now, in this moment? (You don’t even have to know how it will turn out and it’s fact it’s better if you have no judgements!)

What if you were a potter? Maybe the current creation is lopsided and not what you had in mind? Pretend that you are going to add water, break the clay down into its original form and start over. Practice seeing this situation in new ways. What is here that you’ve not considered before? What brilliant gifts are waiting for you to acknowledge? How can this situation reflect your brilliance? What can you see NOW that you weren’t able to see before? The reality before us is never solid, it changes and moves all the time. Why would we ever settle for one way of seeing things? Within each one of us is the ability to call up our talents, traits and strength, in every situation. It may be dormant, but it’s there. What if the situation you are battling is the very key to unlocking your unlimited potential?

Expanding your mind, body and being is the key to getting the funk out. Breathing is another key. These are here for you, within any second. Breath, by breath, expand, rise, ascend…. Before you know it, the funk will clear out. Here’s to blue skies and smooth sailing.

Bottoms Up

Along with books, bags and traveling, I should add mugs to my list of passions. Although I gave away most of my collection a couple of years ago, new ones have found their way to me. My one mug cupboard is nearly full so it's likely time to downsize again. Like some of the other aspects I enjoy, I can't really explain what it is that makes me buy, collect or find these mugs, but they definitely make me happy. I enjoy a variety and here are my current favorites: 





Tenny Greeny, isn't she cute? I salvaged her from an old shed. She was caked and covered in years of neglect and dirt. I washed and disinfected her (multiple times) I have no idea where the rest of her kind are. I found her with a cool, mustard yellow cup but she's chipped and leaking so she's being used as a pencil holder. 






Jeannette N. makes these really cool mugs. I bought one last year and was so excited as it was going to be the one to travel with me everywhere. On the way to Parker's National Finals Rodeo in TN, it flew out of the back and landed on pavement. I actually cried over the mug. I loved it that much (silly, I know). I did get a replacement. I don't travel with it. Lesson learned. It's heavy, solid and feels so good in the fall when I am sipping cider.




One of my all times favorites, procured from my first excursion with Leah B. to our Ojo Caliente oasis. The trip was one for the memory books. One night we ventured along the road to Taos, seeing what we would find. We came up on a brewery, nothing short of looking like something straight out of Mad Max (I completely expected Mel Gibson to come strolling around the corner.) The place was one of the most unique locations I've ever been to. When I saw the raven on the mug, I HAD to bring it home with me. Best traveling wine cup I own. And it's still in one piece. Bonus.




I absolutely LOVE this jewel. Given to me by Soul Sister, Carrie B. I adore that she found one that is LEFT-HANDED, which of course makes every liquid taste even better! This is my go-to tea mug as it holds a good amount of water and I don't have to get up to refill me tea continually. I do love that. It's smooth and sleek and a joy to drink out of. I have thought about traveling with this but it usually stays at home, right on the kitchen counter. 





And confession: I just brought this home from Chaco. I ALWAYS look for and at mugs. I don't need another one, I know. However, I am always on the look for unique ones and I really dig this. I am currently into black and white designs and this one caught my eye. It is a Zuni design which I also really dig. It's a bit more rounded that some of the other mugs and coffee really hits the spot in this one! 


As I've spend a lot of time being gone from home this summer, I am noticing that I need to organize, pile and sort. I want to. It's feeling pretty cluttery and full right now, but....it's still summer and I am going to squeeze as much juice out of it as I possible can. I'll linger on the front porch just a little longer in the mornings and I'll sit out there just a little longer in the evenings. The self-imposed, "get it done" schedule is slacking a bit and I'm good with that. I am not nearly as productive as I used to be, but I am able to relax more than I have been able to in quite awhile. 

So, I'm off to enjoy a mug of something cool. I'm hardly a routine and scheduled kind of gal but it came to me that I could something like dedicating a mug of the day, for each week day. Or maybe not..ha! I joke that that the only thing I'm really consistent doing is showering, brushing my teeth and drinking coffee. Balancing my checkbook....not on the list. 

Cheers!

Friends Along the Trail

I didn't think about taking pictures and recording stories of the wonderful people I met on my journey, until the last day 🙄. I met up with Patricia and Staci in Crestone. Very cool ladies that I had the pleasure of sharing  about the Ki energy work that I do. Then there was Brian, the volunteer guide at Chaco. Brian has an amazing story that I will share in another post. The final leg of the journey was where I met this Soul Sister, Ranell Fox. 

I was driving out to Royal Gorge, I thought it looked like a cool stop. I was wrong. After spending so many days alone, in quiet solitude and virtually undisturbed from crowds and chaos, stopping here was an absolute assault on my system.... LORDY! 

Throwing the binoculars in the backpack I walked to the visitor's center and felt my entire being constricting. Too many people, too much noise, too much.......everything. My entire quest was to connect with my soul and the Earth energies. To remember why I am here, to recalibrate and rejuvenate. I fell deeply in love with the silence of the places I was in. I could hear my heart, I could hear my voice I could hear voices of the ancestors. The expansion of space helps me go deeper. The chaos and demands of daily living tend to turn that volume down. 

To help me find my center and navigate my way through rough, emotional terrain, I usually need time by myself. This is not always the case, there are people I trust and that I can process with.  That said, I sometimes need to go off by myself to think, to BE, to heal and release. This year has been so very difficult and demanding. I had to take a timeout, it was essential. Making soul pilgrimages is something I will start doing more of. 

Within about five minutes of realizing that it costs $26 dollars to walk across the bridge and finding the view to be "good enough" through the binoculars, I trekked back to the Jeep. My thought, "I need to get out of here..." 

I headed back down the mountain and zipped right by a trading post I noticed on the way up. I had made a mental note to stop and it flashed in my head as I drove by. I got the strong "hit" to go back. So I did. I walked into a cool shop, smelling of leather. I hadn't done any shopping and wanted to grab a few gifts for my people. The shopkeeper asked if I was looking for something specific and I shared with her that I was. She made recommendations and we began chatting. Very quickly we realized we had a lot in common, specifically our oldest and middle sons. They were so much alike! We shared and compared stories. I bet her husband, Russ and he suggested that we go have a beer and grab lunch! We did!

We feasted on a delicious brisket sandwich, beans and Blue Moon. We chatted and laughed. It was like I'd known her for years. I shared that she needed to come visit in her off season and I assured her that I would be picking her up one of these days on a return trip to Ojo Caliente. We talked of our life journeys, family, marriage, children, future plans, Marco Polo and Google Drive. Ranell has an amazing story, I'm hoping she will write a book one of these days! 




I finally remembered to take a picture  new friend, Ranell. She was sweet enough to jump right in and join me for a selfie! 




This is their shop! Her parents came to the area in 1976 and started the business out of a teepee (how cool is that?!) They lived at the KOA campground across the road. They migrated from Minnesota to start the shop and today it is a thriving, busy business. 

Ranell, Russ and their sons spend their days here in the summer, working 9 hour days. This is their busy season. They travel in the winter time. 

If you are near Canon City, please stop in and visit. The Fox Family (and their cool dogs!) are great people. You'll feel welcomed as soon as you walk in. The selection is great too! I especially love the Navajo beaded bracelets (Thank you, Ranell for the ankle bracelet, I adore it!) 

I am honored to have met such very kind, wonderful people. There were so many awarenesses and blessings that arose through this journey. I do hope to share them and, now that I am back in my familiar space with more to-do's than hours in the day, I'm not sure I'll get that done. 

If you have a chance to get "out there" I encourage you to take it. Life from the road definitely expands our perspectives and helps us see the blessings that are always around us. 

Chaco

I have this ideal image that after a day of exploration, I'll come back to wifi and share the events and insights of the day. NOPE! That hasn't been the case at all, I've gotten up early and crawled to bed pretty late. I always bring books to read and haven't even gotten to those. I'm sharing now, instead of being out and about, because I looked down and noticed that the Jeep needs an oil change. I'm at Jiffy Lube plotting out my day's schedule (or avoiding a schedule completely, would be more accurate.) I have squeezed the most out of every hour that I could. I have taken a ton of pictures, done a ton of driving, thinking, processing and releasing.  This is the therapy I've been needing. While I'm waiting for an oil change, here are a few images of what I've seen/experienced.







View of Chaco from the mesa




Proof that I made it to the top, my legs still feel like jell-o




Stunning view to the east at New Alto

A big part of Chaco is seeing the hidden meanings, often in plain sight.

The original entrance of Pueblo Bonito. The wall runs north/south and east/west. 

I hit the highway...

"My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No, I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow"

The Long Way Around~Dixie Chicks

My theme song. From the first time I heard it, I knew it was ME. I've never been known to follow a traditional path. I usually start coloring the page and then I veer off and ignore the lines. 

Today I'm doing something I've always wanted to do. I'm hitting the highway in a little gray jeep. No stars on the ceiling, but definitely tunes blaring from the speakers. Destination: unknown, I'll know when I get there. 

I'm taking a spontaneous, solo road trip. The time is right and although I have a lot that I need to/should do, I'm taking the opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do. 

I don't know if I'll have internet, I don't even know where I am staying, but the call to hit the road feels really therapeutic right now. This year has been devastating. There's been some wonderful high points but the emotional sledge has been intense to walk though. I'm a fighter though. Bad days arrive and I get through them. I know good ones are on the horizon. 

I've been in a state of deep transformation and change for awhile now. Every time I think I know something or I'm close to my goal, things implode and go south. So I pick up the pieces and I start again. I'm working with some new and different priorities. I have some clarity but I seek more. For now, heading west. 

Following the muse...

Today is the first day that I have even entertained the idea of doing something creative. Though I have taken timeouts from busy weekly schedules, I have yet to do much in the way of self-care, save reading a book. I will always have something to read. I have also been reading necessary and technical works by FAFSA and BCBS... if you know the acronyms, then you feel my pain! 

I'm still in a state of deep sadness/mourning and sometimes shock. I get through my days as best as I can. I've had plenty of distractions, both positive and otherwise. I'm seldom at a loss for "something to do" though what I usually crave is sleep. I'm not even ashamed to say that this past weekend I slept for a blissful 14 hours. I was far, far, far behind. 

In the midst of unpacking from the weekend, going through bills, trying to find the counter and listening to the rhythm of my children arguing conversing, I was inspired to STOP and color. To complete a large page is simply out of the question right now. I snagged a book of post cards a few months back, and today, I remembered those. I sat down and started coloring. 

I brewed our favorited Dragon's Eye Oolong tea, used the vintage tea set my mom got for me years ago (it survived the "Great Cull of 2016") and invited my children to join me. I'm really glad I saved this tea set. I don't use it during the week as often as I'd like. I find that I often put in to work when I come back into my home space. There's usually a bit of overwhelm when I am faced with unpacking and pouring myself back into a daily routine. It's not my favorite, but for now, it is necessary. Tea helps. Doing something with colors/markers and my hands helps too. 

I realized that I've actually had a lot of creative ideas and energies flowing through me lately. I just haven't done much in the way of capturing + follow through. I'm hoping to shift that, to create a wider space for the flow of creation. I have a ways to go in terms of requirements and family obligations. While I would love to think of summer as a vacation, one look at Parker's schedule reminds me that he's not the only one that is going to be "in shape." By choice, with maybe a bit of force, I'll be doing a lot of reviewing, editing, revision and recalibration. I have many things on my list in need of a make-over.

For today though, my simple victory was sitting down and putting pen to paper. I didn't finish the piece. I'm good with letting go of previous perfectionist tendencies that I have entertained. I think major life events have a way of helping us prioritize and know what actions are essential. I'm still finding my way. I'm taking all the time I need. In the meantime, I'll continue to follow the muse, adding color and personal touches where I can.